The Widow's Club

I’d been waiting for this Saturday for months. A lunch was set with a group of my ALS caregiver friends – now all widowed. I’m not really sure what to call them, in the past we were always “CALS” Caregivers for Persons with ALS, but at the end of this journey, what do you call those of us left behind. It was a topic of conversation at lunch – if there are PALS and CALS – what are we… No, there really wasn’t an answer to that question.

I’ve tried, since Patrick died, to attend support groups and connect with others that are grieving for a spouse, but nothing felt right. I thought it was perhaps the difference in age or gender, but I realize now that it’s neither of those things. It really stems down to the whole ALS journey. It was such a unique, painful, engrossing period of time and trying to explain this to a new group of people is exhausting and difficult. Don’t get me wrong, the loss of a spouse in anyway is catastrophic, it’s just that finding connection creates it’s own set of challenges.  

I went to the lunch with my good friend, Therese, who lost her husband, Bob 10 days before Patrick.  We were excited to see our old friends and wondered how everyone was transitioning. The bond and connection with everyone I felt instantly, we had traveled a lifetime together – discussing, consoling, sharing and above all supporting one another. We knew each other’s spouse, we shared life’s challenges and now it seems we shared our grief. I looked around the table, thinking of each person’s story and how they all provided support to me and each other during the past 6 years. We were lucky to have each other, then and now.

The time since our respective spouse died ranged from 7 months – 4 years, with over 100 years of marriage combined, we are ages 40 to 80 and all witnessed the death of our spouse. I don’t think I could have felt more comfortable, I didn’t have to explain where I’d been – they already knew, I didn’t have to describe my spouse – they’d met him, and perhaps most of all, I didn’t have to “get to know” anyone – I knew them, they knew me. We were and are fellow travelers.

We talked about the grieving process, loneliness, anxiety, children, dating, with no topic off limits. There were heavy topics, and things that made us laugh. It was such a wonderful couple of hours and I hated to see it end. To my dear friends, Dara, Cliff, Sam, Mike, Rebekah and Therese – I am so grateful to know you. Grace and love to you always. Here's to another Saturday!