Life After Loss

After Patrick passed I decided to travel up to Susanville to see my mom. For various reasons I put it off for months - probably the primary reason had to do with all the memories associated with Susanville .  I grew up there, moving from the Bay Area when I was about 3 years old. So many memories, my grandparents lived about a mile from my home growing up and I spent many an afternoon walking to their house and spending time with my grandmother, she always had time for all of us. I met Patrick in Susanville - love at first sight. I was about 15 (almost the same age as my grandson, Anthony), Patrick was 18. Our first apartment was in Susanville . I mentioned my interest in travelling to Susanville to my grandsons back in November and immediately Anthony said - I'll go with you. So, my travelling companion and I headed out this past weekend for my hometown. Anthony was good company and I think he made the trip so much easier for me. I felt very nostalgic throughout the tri...

I've heard lots of opinions on the hardest period after losing a spouse. It's the first year, its the second year, its after my kids finished high school etc. I don't think the answer is the same for everyone and I know that we never stop grieving. I'm sure it will diminish in time and it certainly isn't as overwhelming as the first three months - when I struggled to drag myself out of bed.  There are moments though, things that happen, trips down memory lane that come with and without triggers - they take me back to a different time, make me long for his presence. Of late, I've been thinking of all the things I miss. Here is my list of things I miss - I suspect I'll add to it time and again: #8 I miss his opinion, thoughts on the matter and consultation on so many things - I know he would laugh at this and say, "You did whatever you wanted anyway." That was probably true sometimes, and sometimes not, but I sure miss having him as a sounding ...

I’d been waiting for this Saturday for months. A lunch was set with a group of my ALS caregiver friends – now all widowed. I’m not really sure what to call them, in the past we were always “CALS” Caregivers for Persons with ALS, but at the end of this journey, what do you call those of us left behind. It was a topic of conversation at lunch – if there are PALS and CALS – what are we… No, there really wasn’t an answer to that question. I’ve tried, since Patrick died, to attend support groups and connect with others that are grieving for a spouse, but nothing felt right. I thought it was perhaps the difference in age or gender, but I realize now that it’s neither of those things. It really stems down to the whole ALS journey. It was such a unique, painful, engrossing period of time and trying to explain this to a new group of people is exhausting and difficult. Don’t get me wrong, the loss of a spouse in anyway is catastrophic, it’s just that finding connection creates it’s own set ...