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The Lift

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Over time, after a spouse dies, you begin to rebuild, make new life plans, redefine who you are and look for what the future holds for you as a person, instead of a couple. Much of this is done in the mind, with focused effort and tears. Sometimes, though, you just realize you’ve adjusted and it happened by itself without a conscious effort. I find that one of the most difficult considerations I’ve had to make is deciding how to manage items that require conscious, thoughtful consideration. These, for me are energy draining and painful. Our house was adapted to allow Patrick to stay in our home throughout the ALS journey. We added ramps, grab bars, remodeled our bathroom and even changed door handles you didn’t have to twist to open. But, probably the most significant change we made, very early in the diagnosis, was the installation of a lift that allowed him to ride in his power wheel chair from the first to second floor. Don’t think chair on the stairs – this is a 1,200 pound lift th
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Remnants: The Quilt, The 'Vette and Other Stuff

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After someone dies, smells, sounds and places whirl you back to moments of the past. These drifts in our memories are not controlled - they come unexpectedly. Something triggers you, and you're taken to a different place and time without a moment to think.  Initially, I found these moments quite painful, a reminder of all that I'd lost. But lately I find these memories to be a comfortable reminder of the wonderful life Patrick and I had together. I've also found myself reminiscing about my father and grandparents who were such important people in my life. Recently, Dave, the Produce Manager at Raley's was putting out various types of nuts for the holidays including chestnuts. He asked me, "have you ever tried these?" In that moment I was taken to Manhattan with Patrick before ALS, caregiving and all that stuff. For just a moment, I was in Times Square buying chestnuts from a street vendor with my husband. It was a cold November evening, Caitlin was with us,
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3 Stacks

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I've been thinking about clearing out Patrick's clothes, I go to his closet, open the door, look around and think "eh, not today." I've had friends and family offer to "help" go through this clothes with or without me, but this never felt like a journey I wanted to share. I think I've been working up to it for months, I've been selling items on the garage sale page, organizing, shredding and putting donation stacks together. But never quite making it to any of his personal items. I don't have to get rid of anything, I know that. But, it seems like an appropriate time to start. My aunt offered to make a quilt out of Patrick's t-shirts. She doesn't push, she just says, whenever you can get them to me. It's simply in my own head that says it's time. Some of my widow friends have cleared stuff out and some not, some of the ALS patients I knew gave their personal items away before they died. Patrick attempted a bit of this, but i
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Traveling to the Past - Going Home

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After Patrick passed I decided to travel up to Susanville to see my mom. For various reasons I put it off for months - probably the primary reason had to do with all the memories associated with Susanville .  I grew up there, moving from the Bay Area when I was about 3 years old. So many memories, my grandparents lived about a mile from my home growing up and I spent many an afternoon walking to their house and spending time with my grandmother, she always had time for all of us. I met Patrick in Susanville - love at first sight. I was about 15 (almost the same age as my grandson, Anthony), Patrick was 18. Our first apartment was in Susanville . I mentioned my interest in travelling to Susanville to my grandsons back in November and immediately Anthony said - I'll go with you. So, my travelling companion and I headed out this past weekend for my hometown. Anthony was good company and I think he made the trip so much easier for me. I felt very nostalgic throughout the tri
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Things I Miss...

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I've heard lots of opinions on the hardest period after losing a spouse. It's the first year, its the second year, its after my kids finished high school etc. I don't think the answer is the same for everyone and I know that we never stop grieving. I'm sure it will diminish in time and it certainly isn't as overwhelming as the first three months - when I struggled to drag myself out of bed.  There are moments though, things that happen, trips down memory lane that come with and without triggers - they take me back to a different time, make me long for his presence. Of late, I've been thinking of all the things I miss. Here is my list of things I miss - I suspect I'll add to it time and again: #8 I miss his opinion, thoughts on the matter and consultation on so many things - I know he would laugh at this and say, "You did whatever you wanted anyway." That was probably true sometimes, and sometimes not, but I sure miss having him as a sounding
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The Widow's Club

I’d been waiting for this Saturday for months. A lunch was set with a group of my ALS caregiver friends – now all widowed. I’m not really sure what to call them, in the past we were always “CALS” Caregivers for Persons with ALS, but at the end of this journey, what do you call those of us left behind. It was a topic of conversation at lunch – if there are PALS and CALS – what are we… No, there really wasn’t an answer to that question. I’ve tried, since Patrick died, to attend support groups and connect with others that are grieving for a spouse, but nothing felt right. I thought it was perhaps the difference in age or gender, but I realize now that it’s neither of those things. It really stems down to the whole ALS journey. It was such a unique, painful, engrossing period of time and trying to explain this to a new group of people is exhausting and difficult. Don’t get me wrong, the loss of a spouse in anyway is catastrophic, it’s just that finding connection creates it’s own set
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